Sex Ed with Totally Inappropriate Mom

This is the first in a series that I’ve been thinking about for a while. Some of you may know this already and I’ll fill the rest of you in… I have a super power. Yes, I do. My power is the ability to talk to pretty much anyone about bodies, sexual health and vaginas. I am the mythical creature otherwise known as a sexual health educator. 

I’ve been sexing people up in an educational sort of way since 2000 something and I focus on working with groups of girls. I love it. I find immense joy in explaining to these giggling groups how they’re going to grow pubes in their ass-cracks or how to insert a tampon correctly. What more could a person ask for in a professional venue, eh? It’s fucking amazing. 

I do have one small problem with my dream job; my adult humor has to be kept far, far away from these workshops and classes. There are certain times, when certain questions are asked… I have to pause and collect myself for a split second before I respond to ensure that I don’t give a Totally Inappropriate Mom reply. It hurts to suppress my tendency towards vulgarity, alas, I do not want to scare these kids nor anger their parents… I work very hard to be a good sexual health educator.  

Question #1 

Does it hurt to get your period? 

Appropriate Answer 

“Every person has a different experience with their menstrual cycle; some girls and women don’t feel it at all, some get mild cramps and some get very intense cramps. If you have cramps, there are ways to deal with it with certain yoga positions, exercise, heating pads and over the counter pain medication. If you have intense cramps you can get a stronger medication from your doctor.” 

Totally Inappropriate Answer 

“Well girls, I’m going to have to give a big fat “Fuck Yes” to this one. I can’t speak for other women, but for me it all starts with some mild cramping and then I get explosive diarrhea that comes and goes for 3 hours. Sitting on the shitter for 8 minutes straight, praying my intestines have emptied their last round of ammo may sound like a dream but it’s really not.” 

I can't wait to get my period (2)

“The runny shit bombs proceed to set off a shit storm of stabbing pains that have led me to believe that a machete has taken up residence in my uterus. This pain can last for 4-8 hours. Forget over the counter pills and go straight for the good shit. I’m talking about Vicodin or Percs. They may not kill the pain, but you’ll be high as fuck, which is nice and you’ll not even care if your poo splatters on the back of the toilet lid.” (Just to be clear; I do not do drugs. This is comedy.)

“Once the drama of it all has subsided, you are left crumbled up in a sweaty, stinky ball on the floor. Your ass is raw, your uterus feels like an arthritic athlete after an Iron Man triathlon and you have the brain power of a 2 year old. But really, it’s not that bad…” 

Question #2

Is it hard to insert a tampon? 

Appropriate Answer 

“It can be a little tricky when you’re doing it for the first few times. The hardest part is finding your vaginal opening; you might find that you’re poking around down there with little success. I recommend washing your hands and inserting a finger into your vagina before you attempt to insert a tampon. This may sound strange, but it will help you find the opening, understand that it tilts towards your spine and feel what size it is. Once you know where it is, you can practice inserting a tampon. Keep doing it until you get it all the way in there; if you can’t feel it, it’s in properly.” 

Inappropriate Answer 

“Fuck yes it’s hard. When your 12 you have no god damn idea what’s going on down there and you try and jam the fucking thing straight up into your body only to end up frustrated with watering eyes. First off, let’s get one thing straight. You have THREE holes down there. One is for pee, one is for blood, babies and other unidentified flying objects and the last one is for poop. Exit only.” 

“The opening in the middle is your vag. Don’t let me hear you say “Eeewwww” either- that is your very own amazing body and just because it’s moist and smells somewhat like salmon sushi rolls, doesn’t mean it’s gross. Before we proceed with the tampon talk, I want to inform you that at some point in life, you’re all going to fucking LOVE your vulva and all of its parts; specifically, the little nub of flesh at the very top of your area. Please, for the love of god, before you gather anymore baggage around your lovely lady bits I want to tell you that they are good, they are right and they are yours to do with whatever you fucking want.” 

grossed out

(Ewwww. Vagina.)

“Back to tampons…I wore tampons incorrectly for the first 5 years of my period and I hated them with a passion. My mom always bought me the Super Tampax tampons that were 10 inches long and 2 inches in diameter. Little did she know I’d loose my virginity to a black man 7 years my senior, but I digress… These gnarly fuckers stuck out of my vagina, pinching and rubbing my tender vag-flesh. Awful. Once I discovered that they actually made smaller tampons with applicators that weren’t as large as a vacuum hose, I was psyched and I was set.” 

tampon huge

(this is one mother-fucking huge tampon)

“So, ladies, what I’d really like you to take home is this; wipe the silly notion that your vagina is gross, clean off the slate. It is what it is. Stop being squeamish and just fucking look at it. Touch it, stick your fingers in it. You won’t die, you won’t go to hell and you don’t need to be ashamed. I might even suggest that you polish the pearl there at the very top- go on… your male counterparts have been masturbating for at least 2 years by now. If you need an excuse, just chalk it up to ‘research and development’ for future tampon use.” 

vulvaflower

(be not afraid…it doesn’t bite)

As you can see, my totally inappropriate answers are not meant for the tender ears of 10, 11 and 12 year olds. I repeat, I would never say these things to kids. I just wish that there was a better scene for girls going through puberty. Thankfully they have access to some pretty great resources, but by the time they’re of age to take my classes, most of them are so fucking ashamed and embarrassed of their body parts, they can’t even fathom touching themselves or practicing putting a tampon in.

Makes me sad…

 

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Jill Pond
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4 Comments

  • sara February 23, 2015 02.09 pm

    My girlfriends and I were just talking about the Diarrhea issue! Some were like “ewwww!”, while others were like “What the fuck do you mean ewww?, That drama is real!” Too funny!

    Reply 
  • Teaching the Truth about Tampons – In the Powder Room
    July 9, 2015 - 3:18 pm

  • LMD July 10, 2015 04.59 pm

    Needing to add to this list is that a tampon won’t sexually arouse you. Seriously, that’s the reason my mother, an avid tampon wearer, wouldn’t let me wear them when I was 13.

    Reply 
    • Jill Pond July 15, 2015 08.05 pm

      Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Just, wait, what the actual fuck?? I’ve never had this happen to me. You must have a very happy vagina 1 week outta the month. Go on with ya vag, sister!

      Reply 

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